I was totally spent after the Breaker, but still barely slept that night. I woke up with pretty stiff knees, the purple still developing. Instead of my twisted ankle being sore, it hurts in the arch of that foot.
Fortunately, Rick has vacation this week. I didn't want to be around the house, especially if I wasn't going to run. Rick suggested we head to Portland for lunch. We decided to make it a late lunch and watch the 2pm Sox game. Ha-ha, Yankees!
Tuesday, the heat and humidity had built back in. Rick and I did lots of errands. He headed out for a run in the fields around 2-ish. I said I was waiting to see if a breeze picked up (usually happens sometime after 3 here). Well, by 4, there was no wind, but at least it had gotten hotter. Still, I needed to run. My stiff knees seemed to loosen up as I went.
The fields were hot, but it felt good to be out there. My pair of hawks yelled at me. I stopped at the brook to watch some minnows and crayfish (the baby hornpout must have taken to the weeds). I scare the shit (literally) out of a blue heron. I was almost equally startled. Saw some turtles sunning themselves on a log. At the far side of one of the fields where it borders some woods, I heard a lot of noise. I caught sight of a turkey running one way and a deer the other.
I was able to think of Scooter without crying. Watching nature, I thought a lot about what happened. I think I'll put those musings and other Scooter-related things at the end of the post.
Got in a sweaty, dusty 5.1
Today, reminded that I should have run the Bruiser course multiple times by now, I headed over to Bradbury. Rick had stuff to do around the house so I went solo, but didn't get started till 11:30. It was hotter than I thought it would be. My ankle and knees were still a bit grumpy. The trails were wet from the night's rain. I took it slowly. I still was beat up by it. Came home, showered, had lunch and then fell asleep for almost 3 hours. I felt worse for it when I woke up. I can't seem to get hydrated enough.
So, on my runs I've had this vision of me finding the coyote (I just assume it was a coyote) and, with my bare hands, tearing its face apart. I really think I am capable of this; it feels good to envision. That said, I also have thought about the couple people who have offered to hunt them or suggested that maybe that should happen. I appreciate them wanting to help, but...as I see it, by having a cat that goes out, I introduced a predator into the environment. Runner was my killing machine, but Scooter did his share. The coyotes are hunters too. They actually need to hunt; my kitties needed to, but only because of their nature, not need of food.
Danielle and lots of others have told me that I was a good mommy that gave my kitties a good home that they wouldn't have had. I know that (but really appreciate them telling me!!!). I know it. I know it. I know it, but don't feel it. I feel like I failed them; I should have kept them safe. I thought I had fixed what went wrong with Runner by always having Scooter in before dark - always. I guess I didn't realize how much the woods and wild were closing in on our house. Behind the rock wall is pretty much undergrowth and cover. Spot dog is not the presence that she once was. I can't have another kitty. Even if I were to find one in the same need of a home, I can't handle loosing another like that again.
I have no hope, yet can't bring myself to close off his little entrance to the garage. I still check and call. I am getting better, but, what a huge hole that little sole has left.
Valerie, I still think you're a good mommy but I can completely understand how you must feel right now, and I am sure I would feel exactly the same way if I were in your shoes.
ReplyDeleteI also understand you leaving his little door open for a while, even if for the very long-shot off-chance that he may still be out there. At some point it will feel OK to close it up, but until then I don't think you should feel bad about keeping it open.
Sending you hugs!
We had a pair of mourning doves that had built a hasty nest in our cherry tree by the deck. It seemed like they were sitting on eggs forever. Yesterday I discovered the next completely destroyed, two partially eaten fledglings on the ground, and dove feathers all over from a valiant battle with a blue jay as evidenced by the one blue jay feather. Ruth said the daddy dove was hanging out lost on his usual perch of the power line last night.
ReplyDeleteWe were very sad; we felt we had been chosen to provide protection. I told Ruth that most animals face a violent death sooner or later. Most humans probably suffer a painful death as well.
There's no way to protect what we love completely. I agree with Danielle about keeping the little door open until you're ready to close it off. I would feel the same as you, too. You have lots of love to give - your family and Scooter and the rest of the animals are lucky to be the recipients.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was growing up, my brothers and I each had a cat (3 total). When we were getting ready to move across the state, one of the cats had gotten sick and disappeared. He'd found a quiet place to curl up where he could be peaceful and not trouble anybody. (It was in a box under the stairs.)
ReplyDeleteAt our new home, his brother was never quite the same. During the harvest fair that wasn't too far down the road from our new house a few years later, he disappeared. My cat (who was younger than the other two) was never the same once both his brothers were gone. Exactly a year later he disappeared too.
Again, thanks for being there. I really appreciate the sentiments. Big hugs - big.
ReplyDelete